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idk [Jul. 1st, 2007|11:09 pm]
[Current Location |this house again,]
[mood |scaredscared]
[music |'blood to bleed' by: rise against]

my life is crumbling around me. and i have no idea what i should do. i need a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on. but i have neither of those. in the last month or so.. i have managed to piss off absolutely every single person i know (and care about), lose a couple of good friends, run completely out of money, and generally piss my life away. i hate my job, my "home", and well my life. i can't help but be depressed all the time. i am so very tired of keeping this smile on my face. i can't keep my head above water, not that i even want to right now. i am in the darkest place i have been in a long time, like right before i dropped out of school. i lay awake a night and cry. i never seem to stop crying. i have been getting anxiety attacks again. i need a drastic change and i need it fast. i don't know how long i can keep this up before i crack.. yet again.
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just friends. [Sep. 6th, 2006|02:36 pm]
[Current Location |in my head.]
[mood |pessimisticpessimistic]
[music |cars passing on the street.]

i guess, i should just write reactions to movies in here.. because i do it often enough. but i'm sure the few people who do read this actually enjoy the occasional ranting about work. ha.

so i watched the movie just friends. again the movie was not near award winning, but it too made me think of things in my life and shit. the "friend zone." okay where do i begin, i am the mother fuckin' mayor of the friend zone. like i am pretty sure with every single member of the opposite sex i was like born there. okay, i love my guy friends, all of them. but i every once in a while wish that i could be liked by someone. and i think before you can like someone, you have to get to know them. aka be their friend! but, then there's the constant nagging of not screwing up the friendship... well, if seeing if you could be more than friends screws up the friendship- you weren't very good friends in the first place. i guess i am just stuck in this state permantly.. always the bridesmaid and never the bride. ha, lame.

-mayor of the friend zone.-
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work sucks, more than anything in the world. [Aug. 28th, 2006|12:31 am]
[Current Location |dead in my chair]
[mood |crankycranky]
[music |brand new- your favorite weapon]

tonight i did inventory for the first time by myself.. and i'm sure i fucked it up hard! it sucks so much i was there so late and i still didn't figure it out, so i brought it home to work on it and the best thing is i get to go back to work in less than 8 hours for a shitty day already. and with people i don't like and i don't wanna go i just want to sleep. i was going to have a party after work tomorrow.. there's no way in hell i am going to now. i'm going watch the packers and go to bed. and get up and go to work again! ugh.

the thing that hurts me the most today is i really just wanted to talk to some friends, i called people they didn't answer and nobody called me back, no one called me at all.
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is it fate or just shitty luck. [Aug. 25th, 2006|02:02 am]
[Current Location |home, again.]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |postal service- give up]

okay this will indeed sound cheesy that a little kid movie "just my luck" got me thinking profoundly or at all for that matter; but um.. it did.

is everything really just a random circumstance [luck] or is it really something pre-determined [fate]? i don't know, lately i have been thinking that it's the first. in my case not the good kind. but is really just preppy me for something good. i try to think positively, i try to think that bad things always come with good things. i guess karma. but is karma fate or luck? maybe it's both. maybe it's the process in which you can make choices and that will change what'll happen to you. therefore, you yourself are pre-determining your fate and changing your luck.. okay i may have just lost myself even... but i think it works both ways. fate and luck can only take you so far. you must make decisions to effect the outcome of both and your choices will effect your luck and fate and they take up again from there and dependent on your choices the outcome could be good or bad. i guess it just might be a little too complex to figure on a blog, or in a lifetime for that matter. but it's food for thought i guess. so grab a fork and join in this delicious thought.

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well.. i remembered my password. [Aug. 24th, 2006|02:17 am]
[Current Location |home]
[mood |okayokay]
[music |the thunderstorm rumbleing out of my window.]

so i guess that i could write something in here.
i just might even take this whole LJ thing back up...
hhmmm....very few people i actually talk to know about my LJ.
so cool i think that i will.

anyways my life isn't far different from a year ago or so when i last wrote in here. i moved back to town. i still party but i am tamer now. i dropped out of school for the time being. i hate it, but i feel i need to grow up and appreiciate the thousands i'm dropping for education instead of not even showing up. i still work at LC, but not for much longer. i need a 9-5 dealio.. i need to straighten my finaces. so mainly since i wrote last the only thing that happened was, that i crashed. decided to pause my life kinda and get everything in order before i resume it. hopefully with a clear outlook and real goals. once i wrote all that i suppose my life has changed just a little bit. cute.

don't get me wrong i still have fun on the way.. but i have to stay just a little bit sane. i guess, welcome back to the show.
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my life is ten shades of gray. (well maybe silver) [Jun. 15th, 2005|01:32 pm]
[mood |thankfulpleasant.]
[music |Bright Eyes- I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning.]

well hello there. we haven't spoke in so long. theres much to say, I GOT A CAR! yay. its a 1999 Chevy Malibu, 4Dr., Silver, and well i love the cute lil spoiler! lol. thats the good thing in my life. well there are others too. i have some of the best ppl in the world as friends. i love my group. this guy likes me, but im not sure on him yet. getting there. i like this other guy alot, but i dont know where he stands. so for now, im in limbo. warped tour is soon, and my summer is jam-packed with fun and excitement and plans. i love it.

im generally always in a good mood now. im tired alot tho. i have alot of lil things that keep taunting me in the back of my head. work, the house, etc. they really stress me out alot, but then i think about how blessed i am and i cant help but feel better. wow i sound uber anti-emo right now. i think its just one of those damn days, where i cant help but smile.
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it's been a while... [May. 31st, 2005|02:55 am]
[mood |coldcold]
[music |my ceiling fan.]

ive been obsessed with myspace lately. and i have been neglecting this journal. but my life is changing. and i want change. im sick of this way.

i excited for tomorrow, sober fun. yay. i need that. i think im taking a whole week to detox.

im keeping my fingers crossed on alot of things. im just sick of wishing.

ill explain more later. i need sleep for tomorrow.
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some extra thoughts [May. 18th, 2005|12:04 am]
[mood |depresseddead]
[music |still listening to taking back sunday (cute w/o the e- acc.)]

my new poem; i like, judge all you want.

as i hold the razor
my head is flooded
and i cant even think straight
or cut straight for that matter
fuck it, and fuck you too
i can hurt myself,
way better than you ever could.

you could call, but you wont. i could die, and i hope i do.

- ps the worst you can deal out is, way nicer than i tell myself -

and i just wanted to tell you the truth. and see it leaves us in the same place, when you even dare to get critisized. so w/e if this is it. it is it. i cant believe that you couldnt handle hearing how i felt. and after all of this, it was you ditching me and you getting mad at me for being upset that ruins it all.
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my self-loathing has met incredible new lows. [May. 17th, 2005|11:10 pm]
[mood |enragedenraged]
[music |taking back sunday -all the songs about lying.]

i am so pissed off right now, i could explode!

dont ever lie to me. there will be hell to pay. i dont lie, thats one thing i dont do. and i cant stand stupid lies, cover ones own tracks. i swear on my life, that i will never even fib anymore. it ends up hurting. if you look like shit, im not gonna even say you look alright, fuck that.

like if you have someone driving 15 miles to your house, be there. dont have your brother do the lying for you. what a fucking cop out. i cant believe someone, who is (was) my best friend would do this to me. and call me a bitch for telling her exactly how i feel. well, what does that make childish ppl that make a big drama over everything and LIE?

and you say 'watch your back.' fuck that.
ghandi says; 'violence is the last refuge of the incompetent." well i know what ghandi think of you and gangster mentality. and you know what? just bring it, theres nothing you can do to me, that i havent already inflicted on myself.

if one more thing goes wrong..... i think i just might drive a car into a brick wall.
yea, my anger slowly melting into self-loathing and tears.

good night and for some good bye.
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hmmmm...... [Apr. 24th, 2005|10:06 pm]
[mood |stressedstressed]
[music |operation ivy- energy]

okay, im so tired.

full time student is hard enough without full time employee, well i guess that 37.9 hours isnt quite full time, but damn close... i feel so worn out. but hey only three days until i have a day off, then 16 hours in two days with some classes in there before the next day off.

it just sucks that no matter how hard i try and work, i can never seem to land on my feet. if its not one thing, its another. i cant believe this summer i will be working three jobs. at least ill be way too busy to spend any of the money i need save. this is gonna be my least favorite year of my life to date.

i just wish that i could scream at the top of my lungs, until i had no more air in me and would fall over dead due to sufication.


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